ChemE's with too much time on their hands. Part 2.

The following e-mail was sent to the entire department--grad students, post-docs, staff, faculty, and all, advertising a barbecue being held next week. Again, it speaks for itself.

"Payback..."

CAMBRIDGE, MA-- The sixties had the million people festival called Woodstock. The nineties had Lollapalooza. Halfway around the world, Berliners were celebrating the Love Parade.

Big deal.

Because on August 1st, 2003, at 1 pm, fans will witness the zenith of all festivals, when the 1st annual Robert C Armstrong Freedom Festival descends upon MIT's East Campus, next to famed architect's, IM Pei, 30-60-90 building. Indeed this festival will be headlined by the "Payback", also as known as the professor dunk tank, where students, peers, and the weird guy in 66-353 alike can take turns at plunking their favorite professors.

"This is why I love grad school," said Ramin Haghgooie. "Countless hours in front of the computer, your head in a laminar flow hood, deep breaths of volatile chemicals, 16 hour research days... it's all for an event like this. Any other day, all you're doing is giving up a huge salary to tell yourself that you are enriching yourself intellectually. It's really quite childish, really. But in the back of your mind you're preparing yourself for when it really matters.

"And at a time like this, it really matters."

For some, it's a very serious matter.

"You can't touch me!" said Armstrong, the man himself. "Bob Armstrong doesn't waste his time. Bob Armstrong doesn't do anything unless there's some real competition out there. Bob Armstrong doesn't play unless there is some championship to be won. Bob Armstrong don't want no jibber-jabber.

"Some people are satisfied just to 'play' and 'have fun,'" he said, with dramatic finger quotes, "but that ain't Bob Armstrong."

With adoring fans waiting to catch a glimpse of Armstrong, known to his fans as "BA", the casual observer can expect to see the best the challengers have to offer. The casual observer shouldn't, however, expect the best to actually deliver. ChemE and BE pundits have long wondered how the fetid and seemingly talentless Joel Moxley was actually able to unperch anyone from "Payback". Most prefer to pretend as if it never happened, like they do with the 1994 NBA Finals between the Knicks and Rockets, because the logic-defying alternative, no matter how real it may be, is just too painful.

"I thought I'd seen it all when, there I was, watching John Starks throwing up bricks and letting the Rockets -- the Rockets! -- win the NBA title," said historian Suzanne Easterly. "But when I saw Joel graze the target with a weak righty against, Alan Hatton -- a real champion, I might add -- I knew that life was really a lesson in absurdity. I knew that what I had just seen was as much a fluke as "The Play" in the 1982 Big Game, or Brady Anderson's 50 home run season, or that last shot that Adam Sandler makes to save his grandmother's
house in 'Happy Gilmore.' I'm not saying anything, but I'll be really tall the next time Joel hits another target."

A point well taken.

"I try not to think about it," said a noticeably jaundiced Moxley. "Last time I was too nervous to even open my eyes when I was throwing, and it was literally blind luck that the ball even came near. I can't imagine how bad it will be this year. You can be sure that my teddy bear will be on the sideline to comfort me when things get rough."

Things will invariably get rough for all entrants this year. A new format will be introduced, in hopes of establishing more camraderie among players. A social, featuring BBQ, croquet, a slip and slide, and live music will be organized to supply league players with nourishment and time to put aside their competitive natures and socialize.

Well, most entrants.

"Forget that, man," said Armstrong. "Bob Armstrong never lets down his guard, not for one second. That's why Bob Armstrong is so good. Go ahead, enjoy your pulled pork. But Bob Armstrong will be watching you. Bob Armstrong will definitely be watching you."

And what else can fans expect from Armstrong on August 1st?

"I don't think you're ready for this jelly," he said.

Whether he's referring to a special marmalade for the BBQ or simply his mastery of upstart grad students, it matters not. August 1st guarantees to be a special day. It is the apex of all festivals, the summit of summer. Friends will gather to sup, and a destiny will be fulfilled.

"Heh heh," reiterated Armstrong.

Copyright - The 66 Tribune, August 1st, 2003

Disclaimer: All characters are fictitious, except Joel Moxley. Any semblance to any real persons is purely coincidence, again, except for Joel.